Archive for November, 2013


This is not a narrative about someone famous but rather a story about a family perceived by others as ordinary.  To the contrary, this family was anything but ordinary in any sense of the word.  This account starts from the eyes of a child and develops into the eyes of an adult.

My first memories are both horrific and quiet.  I believe that I was around the age of three when I can recall several incidents that both were terrifying and confusing.  I remember being a very quiet, unspoken child and looking back now I can understand why I was so shy.  Memories have come back to me over the years in the form of nightmares that were confirmed by others to be things that had actually occurred.

On clear memory is being in the back of a vehicle supposedly asleep as my mother was having sex with a stranger in the front seat.  I knew what was going on but pretended to be asleep.  These drives would be a constant during my young years.  To this day, I can still remember the name of one of the men involved which seemed to be a part of my mother’s life for several years.  I am not saying he was the only guy, just one that stands out in my memory.

To put perspective on this, my Dad worked out-of-town every week trying to provide for his family.  I am the oldest of three children born to my Mom and Dad.  What I did not know and did not find out until I was in my forties was that my Mom was fifteen when I was born and was did not marry my Dad until my brother was two or three years old.  As I have already indicated, there were three of us; I was the first-born, then my brother came along eight years later, and finally my sister was born when I was sixteen.

Even today, I cannot say which was worse for me.  It came back to me in adult nightmares how I was put to sleep in the garage when my mother would have wild parties in the house.  I remember looking out the window from my cot at my home with the music playing loud and people talking loudly as I cried.

One particularly scary event happened to me at a young age; I do not recall my exact age but I believe it occurred before I had reached school age.  I woke up one night to hear the sounds of my mother screaming and crying that she was being hurt.  There was a male voice and I realized later in life that my mother was having anal sex.  I was found crying on the living room couch by my mother who tried to convince me that I was having a nightmare.  It was no nightmare but I went back to my bedroom.  This is all that I can remember about this event and I am sure that I have blocked out more details.

From the time I was three years old until I turned sixteen I was fortunate to have spent my summers with my grandparents.  I believe that these months during my early years saved my sanity as I had peace and fun each year away from my mother.

When I was eight years old my brother was born and I overheard comments to the one guy that I do remember being my mother’s sexual partner as he was my brother’s father.  There were times when my brother spent time with this guy when my Dad was out-of-town.  Birthday parties were planned for my brother with always a present and time spent with this guy.

I kept quiet and tried to behave myself as my mother could be pretty abusive when my Dad was not around.  There was always this cloud of silence that surrounded these incidents.  I knew that if I spoke up there would be hell to pay and I would get hurt.  No wonder I was shy, quiet, and had little friends.

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English: Number of Americans who received U.S....

English: Number of Americans who received U.S. Social Security Disability Insurance and U.S. Supplemental Security Income for mental disabilties, 1987 to 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am perplexed as to how individuals make it through the rigors of the eligibility period for Disability.  Whether you are applying in the United States through Social Security Disability or through Canada‘s Canada Pension, you must go through an eligibility period when you are assessed by either government to see if they believe you to be disabled and therefore qualify for disability.

This process can take more than four months or longer and much longer if you have to appeal their decision.  Yet, because you are disabled you cannot work or collect unemployment during this waiting period.  So what do you live on for half a year or longer?  Some appeals take two years or more.  I find it difficult to believe that the average person has savings that would cover that length of period.

As I find myself in this position, I would certainly be very interested in what others have done to financially take care of themselves during this period.

I have talked to a few agencies and basically the amount that they are willing to allow you would and does not cover even my rent ($300/month).  So am I suppose to live in my car???  No, cannot do that as you need an “address”.

I have asked family for a loan; none are willing or able to help me during this period.  Would a bank loan me money during this period?  I am asking these questions hoping that someone out there can help me or guide me to someone who helps individuals in this position.

I am perplexed as to what I am to do.  Soon I will receive my documents from my physician to apply for disability and now I am wondering what I am going to do.

If I continue to work, I will end up in a wheel chair.  If I don’t work, I won’t have a place to live.  I guess I now realize how individuals end up on the streets.  Well, I won’t let that happen to me; that would be the end of me.

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